Sanitation therapy

“Clean” has always been a relative term at The Restaurant, but I don’t know what’s going on lately because everything in the place is downright dirty. Wine glasses have smudges (or worse, lipstick) on them, plates have encrusted cheese, butter knives have dried pieces of basil on them, cheese shakers are coated with marinara sauce. In short, everything is fucking gross.

The other day I saw Lauren take a menu and just throw it into the garbage. I asked her if it was torn or anything. “Nope, just filthy.” I laughed at first thinking she was kidding (as dirty menus are generally wiped down by the host staff), until she explained that she and another waitress Athena had found a new form of stress relief at The Restaurant. It’s called sanitation therapy and it goes something like this:

Anytime she picks up a soda glass and it’s got residue from the last customer’s lime wedge on the rim, she simply drops it into the trash can next to her. It saves her from making a trip to the dishwasher and also gives her a little bit of that “stick-it-to-the-man” feeling. At first I was concerned that this may get her into trouble, but then I thought if a manager were to ask her, Lauren would just say the glass had a crack in it (which it decidedly would by the time it hit the bottom of the trashcan). And it’s not just glasses, it’s plates (“it’s chipped!”), forks (“it’s bent!”) and cloth napkins (“it’s torn!”).

The beauty of sanitation therapy is that it’s subtle. No one ever shouts out, “watch me screw The Restaurant over!” but every once in a while if you watch servers closely you’ll see it. Athena will be putting an order into the computer tapping her finger on the screen repeatedly. And without looking up you’ll see her slide a chocolate syrup-covered sugar caddy into the garbage.