So Klassy

So there's this couple that comes in a few times a month. The assumed wife is moderately attractive, Asian and in her 40s. The husband is pushing 80, looks like Christopher Lloyd in Back to the Future III, wears only Hawaiian-print shirts and walks with the most horrendous limp that I'm amazed he manages to stay upright. He kind of drooly and overall just nasty. They only drink water. They order linguine with white clam sauce. The woman is reserved (I actually don't think I've ever heard her speak), but the guy is just voracious and sloppy. The servers turn away while he eats.

So one day they come in and I'm the lucky server who got to take care of them.

Me: The usual tonight folks? Linguine with white clam sauce?
Dr. Emmet Brown: Yep, that's right.
Me: Anything to drink?
Dr. Brown: Nope, just water.
Me: No problem. Would you like to start with an appetizer?
Dr. Brown: No, just the pasta.

So I pour them water and go to put the order into the computer. I turn back and walk past their table and behold:

The guy has placed his spoon onto his bread plate and is shaking the cheese shaker furiously filling the spoon with cheese. He proceeds to, you guessed it, eat the cheese.

So disgusting.

Talk about an amuse bouche.

TCW: Priceless

Evan the host has been, unintentionally, seating only women in The Crazy Waiter's section. The Crazy Waiter doesn't want too many of any one race, sex, age or creed in his section, but women are especially unappreciated. It was during this time that we got this little gem from TCW:

TCW: Evan, is this a restaurant or a goddamn gynecologist's office?

Why one person loves New York...

Recently in New York magazine:

“I love New York because the waiters and waitresses are the most beautiful, interesting, creative, stylish, aloof, and driven collection of service providers that can be found anywhere on this planet. They all have a story. They all have a plan. And they all forgot to bring me the fucking mustard.”

Table 61

Man: Can I have a decaf coffee?
TJ: Sure.

::TJ goes and gets the coffee, sets it on the table::

Man: Is this decaf?
TJ: Yes it is.
Man: It better be or I'll chop your nuts off.

Don't Fuck With Us

The best quote from the movie Waiting goes a little something like this:
"Never fuck with the people who handle your food."

It never ceases to amaze me that people don't understand this. And while my crew never stoops to the point of spitting or putting other foreign objects into entrees, you need to know that there are still ways that we can fuck with you. Most of these you'd never notice, but there are servers all over the place feeling smug at this very moment knowing they pulled one over on your dumb double-the-tax-tipping ass.

1.) Roll your eyes at your server for any reason. ANY reason. Guess who's getting piping hot bowls for their salad? You are! Mmm....arugula that's reminiscent of sauteed spinach. Yum. Sure there's cold bowls we could find. But you're an asshole. TJ actually once told a table, "This is how they do it in Italy. They actually put the bowls in the ovens!"

2.) Your server just started opening a bottle of wine at the table next to yours. You have just gotten your credit card into the check presenter and you start WAVING it at us. Fuck you. Guess what your server's gonna do? After that wine is open, you better believe she's gonna stay at that table and tell the specials. All the specials. She might even tell the table about items that aren't on the menu just so you have to wait longer, all the while smiling and giving you the "one minute" raised index finger.

3.) This is almost a side note to number two... Even if we aren't busy and you wave anything at us (hand, check presenter, empty glass) there's a good chance we'll simply wave back. Or better yet completely pretend not to see you and walk the other way.

4.) I had a table once order the cheapest Chianti on the list. As I pour a taste for the old fat guy one drop of wine gets on the white paper (that should tell you something) tablecloth. The guy takes his index finger, dips it in the spilled dribble of wine and show it to his wife, eyebrows raised. Furious, I left the table and went to talk to The Crazy Waiter. After telling him the story, he goes over and SLAMS into the back of the guys chair, pretending to have tripped. Oops! Did you spill that delicious Chianti on the table? Let me get you some napkins.

5.) Oh, that's sweet. You're a 70-year old kept woman who thinks "the help" is so adorable! So what do you do? You take your server's hand and say "Honey, you can get me a coke." Oh REALLY!!? Why thank you so much for the opportunity! Right. Looks like you're going to have enough ice in that coke to sink the Titanic. Oh, it's gone in two sips? Please allow me to get you another! It would be my pleasure to charge you $2.50 for as many cokes as you'd like ma'am!

Special thanks to Lauren for extra reporting for this post.

Zak

Zak is our dessert guy. He makes all the desserts and coffee drinks. He's Bengali with a thick accent, probably 40 years old and has a pretty substantial superiority complex. See below:

Me: Hi Zak. How are you?
Zak: What do you want Jessica? Coffee?
Me: I don't want anything. Just saying hi.
Zak: No. Whenever people say hi, dey want coffee.
Me: It's 90 degrees out. I don't want coffee.
Zak: Whatevah. People ask me how I am, dey want coffee. People ask "how is your daughta?" dey want dessert.

You can't be serious.

The Restaurant is Italian. I think I've made this clear before, but this needs to be known for the following tale... TJ tells me a table full of Asians sits in his section and when they ordered, they ask him if the chef has any "fresh ginger he can shave on top of their entrees."

Seriously? Fresh ginger? Here's a selection of questions I'm sure to hear in the next week:

"So I'm on this diet. My 3 children are going to split one pasta and I was wondering if you could just throw this lean cuisine in the microwave for me for a couple minutes?"

"I have this itch I can't quite reach. Would you mind? No not there...a little lower...oooh to the left. Perfect....ahhh."

"You don't have orange soda? So I'm gonna run next door to the deli and get one. That cool?"

"Could you repeat all 12 of the specials you just said? I was busy texting."

"Could you scrape the sesame seeds off these rolls?"

"Could you just give me a kidney? Just one little kidney?"