Don't Fuck With Us

The best quote from the movie Waiting goes a little something like this:
"Never fuck with the people who handle your food."

It never ceases to amaze me that people don't understand this. And while my crew never stoops to the point of spitting or putting other foreign objects into entrees, you need to know that there are still ways that we can fuck with you. Most of these you'd never notice, but there are servers all over the place feeling smug at this very moment knowing they pulled one over on your dumb double-the-tax-tipping ass.

1.) Roll your eyes at your server for any reason. ANY reason. Guess who's getting piping hot bowls for their salad? You are! Mmm....arugula that's reminiscent of sauteed spinach. Yum. Sure there's cold bowls we could find. But you're an asshole. TJ actually once told a table, "This is how they do it in Italy. They actually put the bowls in the ovens!"

2.) Your server just started opening a bottle of wine at the table next to yours. You have just gotten your credit card into the check presenter and you start WAVING it at us. Fuck you. Guess what your server's gonna do? After that wine is open, you better believe she's gonna stay at that table and tell the specials. All the specials. She might even tell the table about items that aren't on the menu just so you have to wait longer, all the while smiling and giving you the "one minute" raised index finger.

3.) This is almost a side note to number two... Even if we aren't busy and you wave anything at us (hand, check presenter, empty glass) there's a good chance we'll simply wave back. Or better yet completely pretend not to see you and walk the other way.

4.) I had a table once order the cheapest Chianti on the list. As I pour a taste for the old fat guy one drop of wine gets on the white paper (that should tell you something) tablecloth. The guy takes his index finger, dips it in the spilled dribble of wine and show it to his wife, eyebrows raised. Furious, I left the table and went to talk to The Crazy Waiter. After telling him the story, he goes over and SLAMS into the back of the guys chair, pretending to have tripped. Oops! Did you spill that delicious Chianti on the table? Let me get you some napkins.

5.) Oh, that's sweet. You're a 70-year old kept woman who thinks "the help" is so adorable! So what do you do? You take your server's hand and say "Honey, you can get me a coke." Oh REALLY!!? Why thank you so much for the opportunity! Right. Looks like you're going to have enough ice in that coke to sink the Titanic. Oh, it's gone in two sips? Please allow me to get you another! It would be my pleasure to charge you $2.50 for as many cokes as you'd like ma'am!

Special thanks to Lauren for extra reporting for this post.