If you think your server hates you, they probably do.

Rules for eating at a restaurant:

1.) When the server comes to the table and says "Are you ready to order?" and you say "Yes," that is not the time to debate with your husband whether or not your 5-year-old will like the cheese sticks. It's also not the time to say "Yes, just give me one second" while you scan the menu and keep your server hovering over your table. It wastes our time and makes us feel awkward. Yelling across the table to your sister who's chatting on her cell phone to ask "Hey, Becky. You wanted alfredo or vodka sauce?" can be done after you say to me, "Just give us two more minutes." I don't care what Becky wants and have no interest in hearing the great alfredo/vodka sauce debate for the 27th time. Many of you think if you say "come back in two minutes," your server will dissappear into some black abyss and leave you to starve. Not so. We'll be back. We want you out as soon as possible.

2.) When I ask, "Would you like sparkling, flat, or tap water tonight?" Don't say, "Oh, we'll just have regular water." You mean, as opposed to all of the irregular water the tables around you are drinking? Also, don't make a joke about New York tap water being better than bottled water. Don't say "I'll have the Guiliani water" or "the Chateau Bloomberg." I agree NYC water is tasty but I don't care if you're clever. And chances are, I'll still think you're cheap. And don't lie. You are.

3.) You're allowed to dress badly or be a bitch. But not BOTH people! Not both. Because, really, what can be said to a woman in a frumpy reindeer sweater complaining that her pasta isn't "al dente"? I just laugh.

4.) Don't take pictures of your server under any circumstances. I don't care if you're "in from out of town" and want to show your girls back in Kentucy your hot waiter. I don't care if the server is holding the cake with a lit candle for your kid's 8th birthday. It's embarrassing enough having to sing "Happy Birthday" 12 times a night (and a little part of us dies inside each time), but what you need to understand is that most servers hold it in the back of their minds that they'll have an E! True Hollywood Story someday and don't want an embarrassing picture to surface of them wearing a wine-stained apron.

5.) If a restaurant closes at 10 and you walk in at 9:45 and the place is empty, turn the fuck around. If you think it's your imagination that you just heard "OH GOD DAMN IT!" coming from the server station, it wasn't. The closing server is PISSED and is looking for an excuse to take it out on you. Why? Because you suck. Keeping a server there for an extra hour so you can "have a quick bite," is unacceptable. If you are going to come in, at least spend some dough to make it worth their time. "Oh don't worry, we just want dessert," is SO much worse than, "I think we'd like to start out with a nice bottle of Barolo." Seriously.

6.) This should go without saying. But at the same time, must be said. If your service was decent, DOUBLE THE TAX IS NOT ENOUGH. I don't know who this crazy person was who started this "just double the tax" pandemic, but apparently he had a girlfriend that was way hotter than him and she dumped him for his way hotter football-playing best friend. She also happened to be a waitress. So in an evil sordid plot of revenge, he used whatever methods possible (flyers, e-mail blasts, those loudspeakers that people in the south have on top of their trucks) to get the word out for everyone in America to totally screw their servers on a regular basis. He's now 35 and living in his mother's basement reading MAD Magazine and throwing darts at his ex's face attached to his dartboard. It should be noted the couple broke up in 1996. Anyway...20% people! At The Restaurant, we actually have a song about you double-the-taxers. However, it's too graphic to reprint in this space.